Conversion

To talk about “my conversion” to Christ is not a simple subject. I now believe I was converted to him when I was eight years old. At eight I had been hearing my pastor preach on salvation regularly in the First Baptist Church of Batesville, Mississippi. He was a true hellfire and brimstone preacher. I heard the word “saved” regularly at home as well at church and it was something that fascinated me. What did it mean to be saved?

 I finally decided to ask my dad one day. I was probably 5-6 years old at the time. My question was something along the lines of, “Dad, does saved mean that if I got attacked by a bear, God would rescue me?”

 My dad’s answer was, “no.” I don’t remember much more of the conversation, but I believe dad probably told me salvation meant salvation from eternal death—that I would go to heaven with Jesus. I definitely had understood the plan of salvation when I was eight, because I finally decided I wanted to be saved and prayed the sinner’s prayer as best I knew how. Then I got out of bed and told dad what had happened. Since, in my eight year old way of speaking, I had told him I did it ‘while asleep’, he had me go through it again just so my understanding of it would be clear.

 That was it. I was saved! Now, I was supposed to get baptized.

 That baptism is significant to me as I think back, because in my mind it seems to foreshadow the eventual clash with religion I would undergo. My father took me to an upper room on the Western side of the church where several men and younger boys were changing for baptism. While it may seem insignificant to some, I saw a middle-aged man across from me disrobe. I caught a full frontal view of his genitalia. Even at eight I had a sexual response, which somehow I instinctively felt as wrong. It was NOT the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I might add, but more a terror that I had committed something in my mind so awful (a sexual feeling towards another male), and this at the time of my baptism. I remember wondering if I was really saved.

 I went down into the water and came up in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. I can’t say for certain how significant the baptism was in my mind. I was taught plainly baptism was merely a symbol of what had already happened within me at the time of “being saved.” Nonetheless, the fact that I h ad looked at someone—anyone–naked troubled me. Somehow, in my upbringing, I had gotten the impression that even seeing nudity was wrong.

 Of course, now that a young Southern Baptist boy is saved, what else is there for him to do? I n truth, I did get about my Father’s business quickly. Even before baptism, I had started witnessing to people. I wanted to make sure EVERYONE I knew was going to heaven and I wanted EVERYONE to know that I was saved. (I certainly did not want them to think I was lost!) That lasted for a while and in all the haste, joy, and distractions of growing up, the fire died. Then I turned 10….

 There is a question in my mind about my conversion at eight because of what happened to me at ten, but it has nothing to do with the incident of the man in the pre-baptismal room. In my tenth year, I began to feel a deep burden of guilt on my spirit that I could not shake. I could not find peace that I knew God, that I had ever really been saved. Doubt constantly circled me. The thought that at eight I might not have understood what I was doing terrified me. After all, I repeatedly saw people who had been church members for years go forward and re-accept Christ after they had thought they were saved for years. “They just want to be sure,” I’d hear the preacher say. This probably planted the initial seed of doubt in my mind, but as the torment came, I could conclude nothing other than I was lost and therefore hell-bound.

 It all came to a head when I was out of town with my mother. I believe we were visiting my sister in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I could not sleep , being heavily tormented, and I stood up on my bed and began crying and yelling “God doesn’t love me! God doesn’t love me! God doesn’t love me!” In my mind at that age, being lost equaled being under the severe judgment, hate, and curse of God.

 As I write this and reflect, I must conclude that this was not the conviction of the Spirit either. Perhaps the burden of guilt I felt was God revealing my unconverted state to me, but the incessant torment was NOT. In my walk with God, I have found the conviction of the Spirit at times can be severe, but God is love, and He is always concerned with my good. Even when what He said to me would have been condemning from anyone else, it did not have that tone with Him. Somehow, no matter how severe what the Lord said to me was, there is always grace and life in it.

 After my mother and I made it back to Batesville, I slipped into a depression. I felt down constantly, sinful, and full of doubt, fear, and insecurity. I was constantly convinced I was going to hell. I would pray and feel as if God had not heard me. One night when it reached its peak, my parents called the preacher and took me straight out to see him. He asked me about when I was saved at eight. In the discourse I told him I had been praying, “God, if I was not saved at eight, please save me now,” with no peace.

My pastor, in his wisdom, said, “Let’s just pretend you weren’t saved at eight and pray again. Just follow me in this prayer and be sincere.” I don’t remember precisely what was prayed. All that I remember was the deep peace that fell on my Spirit as I made Jesus Lord of my life for the second time. I never forgot it.

 However, this was not my last bout with that torment. I would regularly go through times of doubting my salvation. All told, I was baptized three times in the Baptist church and I prayed the sinners prayer hundreds of time. I now believe that these events were not the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. After all, does God up and change his mind: “You know, you were saved last month, but I’m flippantly deciding you’re not saved anymore…. forget about your conversion experience”? No! I personally believe one of two things happened: 1. I was being tormented by a demonic spirit—probably a spirit of religion or doubt and unbelief or 2. I had failed to walk in a living relationship with God that kept His Presence in my life real. In truth, it was probably a combination of both. I might add, that each time then I prayed the sinners prayer, I felt a deep peace come over me, and that even in more recent times I have prayed that same prayer (at times for protection or just to clear the air between God and I) and I always feel the immense Power of God come cleansing and rejuvenating me within. My conclusion is not so much that I wasn’t born again at age 10, but that I let myself slip away from God and opened myself up to the torments of the devil. And the devil WILL torment anyone that he can get control over, especially a Christian neglecting their walk with God…. Why? Because that’s just the way the devil is.

 I cannot say I honestly know “when” I was saved. All that I know is that I am saved now. I cannot pinpoint 8, 10, 12, 13, or 14 years of age as the time of conversion or one of the hundred or so of times that I prayed the sinner’s prayer when that torment would come upon me. All I know that now I live my life by the faith of the Son of God and I can never be the same again. I love Him because of the love He has captured me with, and I am so far from the torment and condemnation that I experienced when so young, tender, and vulnerable. I know Him, and I know He knows me. I would also like to say that I do not blame the Baptist Church, my parents, or anyone else. I blame Satan for tormenting me, but I thank God for being faithful and delivering me to the reconciled man of faith I am today.

However, to get to the point I’m at now is going to be quite a journey through my life. I hope, through this testimony I am writing, that my journey in Christ might be of aid to someone else. Perhaps to you?

Please read with an open heart, and if you are not sure Jesus is Lord of your Life, make sure he is before you click off my site.

 If you’re unsure Jesus is your Lord, do this:

1. Recognize your sinner because all men have sinned.

2. Recognize he died for your sins, becoming your substitute and sacrifice upon the cross.

3. Pray this: God, I confess I was born a sinner but I see your radical grace in sending Jesus to die for me. I ask you to have mercy upon me and forgive me of my sins, I ask in the Name of Jesus. I give you my heart, turn from my sins as best I can, and confess Jesus as Lord of my life. Amen.